Plateau-ing

For the past three and a half weeks, I have hovered between 285 and 282 lbs.  It's a far cry from the 315 lbs I was in January, and the average of 3 lbs I was losing weekly, but this stagnation in further loss is disappointing nonetheless. 


As I contemplate stillness and remain mindful of the importance of patience in this process, I find myself thinking about plateau-ing.  With my clinical eye, I find it interesting, and probably not coincidental, that this stretch of weight plateau-ing began at the same time I passed my LCSW credentialing exam. 


I have thought about becoming a Licenced Clinical Social Worker as far back as the very early 1990s, when I was first invited to sit in on one of my roommate's psychotherapy sessions.  The session was conducted by a LCSW in her home, and I remember being impressed with the amount of poise, expertise, and control the woman appeared to exude; both in the session and in her life.  Here was a person whose job was to sit in a comfortable office and dispense advice....all from the comfort of her home! 


It seemed like a pretty sweet deal to me as a kid; especially where I was in my life.  Because, taking a leap of courage, I need to admit I was a real mess, and did many things I regret.  I was in my limerance phase of being queer, my parents were recently divorced, my mother's schizophrenia presentation was getting very severe and continuing to go untreated, and my father was a mess after the reality of years of avoidance and 'checking out' of our family finally caught up with him.  Furthermore I had recently been kicked out my first attempt at university for terrible academic performance and was working in a minimum wage job where I struggled to maintain financial survival.  Through all this I was burning out of control; flying through men and friendships like scrap paper. Then my mother's cancer hit.  Yeah, I was a real mess.


In hindsight, given all this chaos, it is understandable why that sense of control the psychotherapist seemed to posses was so attractive, and why I would want it for myself.  I went through a few iterations of career choices, worked hard, and got some lucky breaks before I wound up on the career path that led me to where I am at today.   And, although the thought of becoming a clinician waxed and waned in my consciousness through this period, the impression of that stability and control stayed with me unconsciously.


Thankfully, now that I've gone through the academic process and the passage of a lot of time, I have developed healthier motivations for pursuing my profession (and realized that it is about anything but dispensing advice), but I would be remiss if I didn't give adequate attention to its origins.  And I bring all of this up not to pat myself on the back but rather to give proper context for this sense of plateau-ing I'm experiencing now.  For, even with  all the happiness I've felt having the words "Pass" appear on my computer screen a few weeks ago and the accomplishment it signified, I find myself experiencing a sense of loss and ambivalence as I consider that I have plateaued in this achievement, and now I find myself asking "now what?"


So it makes perfect sense that I would be reminded of this difficult transitional stage of my early adulthood where I was considering my options as I again contemplate my 'next move' career-wise.  We tell our clients that ambivalence is a choice we make  as we face choices for which we have several equivalent emotional levels of response, and, I also wonder if this is manifesting in my body as well.  I restarted my college experience at Penn State in the summer of 1998, and have had a comfortable road map for where I wanted to go for the past twelve years.  My road map is gone now, and, in some ways, I am having a profound sense of deja-vu.


Not having a road map is terrifying, but just maybe being forced to think about what I want to do with my training instead of focusing on the day-to-day minutia of getting it and choosing to be excited about new possibilities that reflect my genuine self will help me get over this plateau. 


And, just maybe, this will 'tip the scales' regarding my weight as well.